Weaning My Heart!….

He wails from upstairs, as if he is being caused the greatest pain he has ever known. I weep here, downstairs. I, too, am experiencing a pain that I have never felt. It is the second day, and both he and I are trapped in this hell. Together, yet separate.

I have provided this child with the only nourishment he has ever known. It is a nourishment not only of food, but also of safety, comfort, and joy. There is a comfort that lies inextricably within the warmth of my bosom. A comfort that cannot be duplicated by any bottle, any pacifier, any stuffed animal, or any toy. It is unparalleled in its capacity to comfort and calm him. It is the only method he knows of soothing. And yet, it was time. Time for this all to come to an end.

I had long since dried up. The elimination of both the midday and morning feedings had taken a toll on my once over-abundant supply. Within the final weeks, days, I noticed that letdown was taking more and more time, until finally, it wasn’t occurring at all. Frustration had started setting in for both he and I. I had become simply a pacifier.

Once this realization had struck me, I set a date. The final date. It loomed over me like an ominous black cloud, yet I had no concept of exactly how hard and fast that storm would rage. I had no idea how much the simple act of feeding my child, from my own breast, comforted and soothed me. For the last 13 months, I had ended the day in the warm comfort of nursing my child to sleep. My nights would now have to be filled with something else. What could possibly compare to the peaceful tranquility of a warm, freshly bathed infant? How would I ever learn to unwind without that little boy centering me back to the earth?

Everyone always expresses how wonderful breastfeeding is for the baby, but no one really ever describes how beautiful it is for the mother. Breastfeeding did not come easily to me, but it is something that has forever changed me. It made me a better mother. It centered me. It became a part of my life that I have come to cherish. I needed the comfort of breastfeeding as much as my tiny infant did.

And so I mourn the loss of a piece of motherhood. I am preparing myself for the long journey that lies in front of me. As he continues to grow; big and strong, smart and worldly, cautious and steady, confident and brave, I prepare myself for him no longer needing his mother to show him the way. For I have already prepared him for what he will face. With each end of a chapter, I am preparing him for the eventual manhood that lies in front of him. With each turn of the page, I am helping to guide him to be the best person he can be. This is that first step. I take it proudly, but I also take it with big round tears in my eyes.

My baby is growing up, and he is taking a piece of my heart as he goes. As he wails upstairs, I cry downstairs. Alone. I know that tomorrow will be easier. But tonight is hard.